Miffed

I'm pissed off right now. Or should I say, ashamed for subjugating myself to stupidity and to my hormones.

Recently, I started "dating" a guy. Notice how I used quotation marks there? It's because, well, what we did wasn't dating in normal circumstances. We started out flirting and talking, but we never really went out on an official "date". Now a date in my book would be a dinner or movie or something like that, but we didn't really do any of that. I guess you could say that we met-up during available times to talk and hang out.

Anyways, so after hanging out everyday for a week, things started getting really steamy between us. Now, it's been awhile since I had any sex, so I get pretty turned on easily nowadays. And him being a stud that he is and being oh so willing in engaging in promiscuous talk, we kind of fooled around.

The first few times were fairly tame, engaging in heavy flirtatious both in person and through texts and online conversations. Then a couple of days later, the online and text messages turned really X-rated and before we knew it, we ended up doing sexual acts together.

The first couple of times, we simply jerked each other off. Nothing really that exciting. And then, I finally gave in and gave him a blowjob. When he came in my mouth, I asked for the favor to be returned, he politely refused. Now, being the nice person that I was, I let it go and had him jerk me off instead.

After that incident, I started noticing that every time we got together, we ended up talking about sex and getting off every single time. When I wanted to talk about something else or when I tried engaging him into normal conversations, he suddenly became so standoffish and uninterested. I found him dazing off in person or see him reply short phrases through texts. I must say it was starting to piss me off.

Then, it all came down to a showdown where he asked me if we could have sex. I said I would if he gave me a blowjob first. He politely refused saying that he was uncomfortable with that. I then proposed to him that I wanted to rim him. He again said that he was uncomfortable with that too. I was starting to get prissy about this whole situation because he kept insisting that we still have sex. But I refused and told him pointblank, "I feel used."

To say that he was surprised was an understatement. In fact, I think he was shocked and severely taken aback from my accusation. He asked me why I felt that way. I basically poured out my feelings to him. Here are the reasons why I said I felt like he was just using me:

1. He only messages me lately when he wants to get off (would you believe I was sexting him in work because he was horny?!)
2. He never wants to participate and reciprocate to some of the things I do to him
3. How we once agreed that we wouldn't stop taking "care" of each other until both of us had cum (he stopped fondling me once he came and left me to dry)
4. How this wasn't his first time doing this... you know, flirting with guys and getting each other off (which sent the signals in my head to overdrive since he mentioned once that he never, ever engages in one night stands)

After I was done explaining, he was incredibly apologetic and was pretty silent and distant the entire night. In the end, I felt a little guilty for perhaps overreacting too much and said that I would still like to be friends after this. He also agreed to it, but he said that we shouldn't flirt anymore. I agreed in the end. 

This incident ended two days ago and he has never contacted me since. Even when a huge typhoon came down swinging our place, he never once bothered to ask me if I was okay or even checked on me once. I mean, come on, even my friend from South Africa bothered to check up on me. But you didn't! Considering we both have Blackberries and that texting me through BBM would be technically free! 

Some friendship this turned out to be. I guess I was right to say that to your face. User bitch.

Boys Again... 2

Work

Hey guys, sorry I’ve been MIA lately. Reason why is I finally landed myself a job! Hoorah! After spending an entire month or so going to interviews and applying, I finally got accepted in some really nice firm in my country’s business district. I can’t tell you how relieved I was that I finally got myself a job. Going out with friends was difficult a few weeks beforehand now that my parents cut off my allowance. It’s nice to earn your own money, you know? Granted, my salary isn’t that big yet, but I’m really after more of the experience for now than the money.  

When I got to work on the first day, I was put fast to work. Jesus. Was it startling! I mean, here I was in my first day and they gave me a fricking hotel to work on. Mother of god. I think I was out of it for the first few hours. I mean, hello, a hotel as your first project?! That doesn’t get any bigger than that! Especially since our client was one of the leading real estate developments in the Philippines. Talk about pressure. 

I promised myself I won’t be telling my work experiences in full detail. After all, I think it’s a cardinal rule that you should never blog about work… and I don’t want to be one of those people whose blog gets accidentally stumbled upon by officemates. No sirrrr…

So I’ll just stop here and say I’ve had a pretty steady first week of work. There’s still a lot of stuff to do though. Hopefully, I succeed in the end! 

I hope your work is doing well for you guys as well! 

Cheers and hugs,

Rocky

MAY 13- En Route to the land of the windmills

So I was sitting with Cachi on the flight all the way to Amsterdam. My other friend, Val was four seats  in front because the counter lady wasn’t able to place all three of us in a single row. I took the window seat while Cachi took the middle seat and her seatmate on her left was a very large Dutch man. 

hello, Dutch sky

Since we were using the same airline as the one going to Hong Kong, I was already familiar with the music choices inside the airline. So I made a playlist with the indie music scene. I browsed through the pop section and my jaw dropped. Omg. I wasn’t kidding. I think Cachi caught me with my mouth agape. I found Adele, some Maroon 5, and god forbid, Lissie. Shit. They had Lissie. I thought I was the only person in the whole world who listens to Lissie. God. I was refreshed to know that an airline recognizes her talents as much as I do. LOL. 

So in the end, I made a 57-track playlist. I think it took me around 20 minutes to manually add each song. I had to do it twice though since the airline had to reboot the system. That meant manually adding them for another 20 minutes… That wasn’t fun, let me tell you.

I also got the to watch a couple of episodes of Modern Family. I don’t usually watch movies on airlines because sitting in a very restricted seat for more than an hour while watching a movie without breaks isn’t very comfortable. I usually just pop in some TV shows or music. I did get a few episodes of True Blood… but I had to stop it during the sex scenes because that would be awkward. I mean, our seats were in front of the lavatories, so there’s absolutely no one or no seats behind us so people would be standing behind our seats, waiting for their turn to use the bathroom. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to have someone catch me watching the really graphic sex scenes of True Blood? Uhh… no. Lol. Speaking of sex, I caught Cachi’s seatmate to be watching a sex scene. Now i checked the entire movie playlist on the plane, and there were absolutely no porn titles in there (well, none that I could think of)… so I wonder what the hell he was watching… because, boy, those sex scenes WERE graphic. 

Food on the airline was incredibly good! Oh my god. It was a better improvement over than that shit they serve in PAL. Blech. We even got Haagen Daz ice cream! … And we were in coach, for crying out loud! Much, Much, MUCH better than PAL for sure. 

food menus... damn, they were good!

When we touched down in The Netherlands, I’ve never been so completely overwhelmed with all of the tall, blonde people in the airport.. Geez… It was like a Bel Ami festival! Don’t pretend you guys don’t know what that is… LOL. I know you know… Anyways, I think I saw one of their actors in the baggage area… or that could be just my senses playing with me because I was too excited! 

Hello Netherlands!

My friends and I booked a hostel in Centraal Amsterdam, so we bought a ticket to got there. Guess what happened? Our fucking first stop in Europe, and we already got lost! Fuck. This better not be a foreboding sign for the rest of our stay in Europe. To make matters worse, when we got off in a train station to go take a bus, the entire city was on a metro strike! So, we had not choice but to ride another train back to the right station… Problem was… finding the right fucking train. Lord almighty… Reading the instructions did not help at all because they were all in Dutch. That. sucked. Val had to ask a cashier in a local supermarket which train to take. Oh lord… we better not get lost again...

Boys Again...

OMFG, MY NEW LOVES IN LIFE

I think I just discovered a new obsession.

MAY 12- On to Hong Kong

(This is an excerpt from my Euro journal)

I arrived in NAIA 1. A friend of mine wrote an article about out international airport and I must say, she’s absolutely right. She mentioned that you could actually shoot a horror movie in our godforsaken airport. We have a yearly release of this horror movie series called Shake, Rattle, and Roll and well… the airport could be a possible location for the next film. It’s that bad. 

The entire airport was dimly lit and highly disorganized. The line queues were zigzagging all over the place. Heck, there weren’t even enough chairs to seat the foreigners. It’s very embarrassing really. I wonder if my French friend, Reece arrived and left in this airport. That’s highly likely since the other airports are only restricted to about two airlines. Shit. That is highly demoralizing to think that possible first time visitors to our wonderful country would be greeted by this shit hole. The government needs to upgrade no, construct a new one fast… 

Anyways, going off topic here… where was I?

Oh yeah… So Cachi was there when I arrived. Val, on the other hand, was late as usual. I swear, that lady needs to have a clock in front of her at all times. Shit… I’m frickin’ nervous. This is my first time to travel abroad without my parents and I’m pretty stoked and petrified at the same time. I mean, the place we’ll be traveling to is foreign to all three of us… We can’t really rely on anyone else but ourselves… I need to keep my cool.

Immigration went smoothly. We were all seated together during the flight to Hong Kong.  There were a group of three Israeli-looking young men that we rode with going to HK. Geez… I am only mentioning this because a) they were in front of me during the X-Ray scanner in the airport and b) one of them was really, really hot… Shit. I  haven’t even left the Philippines yet and I’m already thinking about boys. Good Lord… I need to control myself…

Arriving in HK was smooth. My friend Cachi was watching HIMYM the entire flight. I, on the other hand, dabbled into the music scene. So while I was browsing through the airline’s categories of songs, I was surprised they had an ‘indie’ section… Now, you know me… I’m an indie kid at heart, so you wouldn’t imagine how ecstatic I was that someone else was interested in the same music I like… FYI, I was giddy in my seat the entire time. 

I checked the list of CDs under that category and I was pretty happy. I mean, they had Florence + the Machine, Biffy Clyro, Arcade Fire, The XX, Mumford and Sons, and Ellie Goulding… I played Florence and Ellie a little too much… I was Dog Days-ing in my seat. Hahaha. 

When we landed in HK, we had to quickly find out transfer flight to Amsterdam. While making our way to the designated departure gate, I was stopped in one of the x-ray scanners in the security checkpoints. I was asked to go through it another time. My friend caught the person manning the x-ray station to be staring at me. She joked that she thinks that person must have a crush on me or something. I scoffed because… well… the person manning the station was a guy. LOL. 

Anyways, after that, we killed some time in a bookstore before going to the departure gate. Now, the last time I went to HK, I bought a really NSFW magazine and I was kinda hoping I could do the same… Especially now, since my parents aren’t here with me at all. I saw a magazine with some Bel-Ami models on it. I considered buying it but didn’t because it was too early in the trip to start thinking about sex. Imagine that. I turned that down.

My friends and I sat down in one of the many chairs in the boarding gate. As soon as we did, my mouth started watering. Why? Well, because there was this really hot looking Dutch guy sitting a few seats from me. He was in a tank top too! Damn. If this is what Amsterdam is offering me, then I’m going to like it there.

Boys, boys, and boys…. Jesus, I’m a pervert. Lol.

Europe Photos

Editing some of my Europe photos to take my mind of things that happened in the last week. What do you guys think? Here's one from every country I've visited...

Amsterdam:

Spain:

Italy:

France:

London:

Maybe I'll blog about my Euro trip here. I know I've taken lots of candid photos of hot European guys there.

Losses and Heartaches

So today, I went to my grandma's funeral. I finally let out all the feelings building inside me over the past week. I think I cried a good bucket of salty tears today.

That release of feelings was good. It felt... relieving to let go of all the emotional baggage I've been carrying on these last couple of days.

I'm listening to depressing songs nowadays... Lots of Coldplay, Keane, Dian Vickers, Letting Up Despite Great Faults, and Damian Rice.

Depressing songs make me happy... Weird, I know.

I’m listening to The Only Exception a little bit too much. It’s weird. Normally, you’d associate the song to true love, but for some reason, I seem to be playing it because my grandma passed away recently. There’s a sense of longing in the song that seems to fit well with my situation right now. The feeling and act of yearning by Hayley in the song itself transcends to a sense of loss as well. 

Just what do you exactly do when the person you consider to be the most important person in your life suddenly walks out of your life? Do you weep? Do you lash out in anger and despair? Or perhaps, do you remember how much impact he or she has made in your life? That’s exactly what the song suggests. Remembering the good times you had with him or her. 

I’m still in denial over my grandma’s death even though I have already seen her in a casket. I’m quite numb actually; a hollowness seems to be spurning within me. I can’t fully explain what I’m feeling in the moment, so I’m listening to songs to help me get over this. The funeral is in a couple of days and I don’t know what to do. 

Game of Thrones

So when my internet was out for a couple of days, I’m been doing some catch-up reading the entire time. I finally got me to finish Game of Thrones. And I say finally because I brought that book with me to my Europe vacation and in the entire month that I was there, I only got to read 3 pages out of the 835. To think, I could have finished the entire thing in one day! 

At first, I thought the plot was too slow. There were so many characters being introduced per chapter, I had to actually read the appendix at the back of the novel to familiarize myself. Safe to say, I’m glad I stayed in for the journey because the entire novel is fucking awesome. It’s so brilliantly crafted that it kept me at the edge of my seat (or in this case, bed) the entire time. I swear, you think you know what’s going to happen, and then you find out a second later, you’re guess is like a million miles away! Oh man… It was good… real good. 

I guess another reason why I love the story so much is how it reminds me of a certain video game whose plot, setting, and characters are eerily familiar with Game of Thrones. I’m talking about Dragon Age or more importantly, Dragon Age II. There were several instances while I was reading the book that made me stop and momentarily think of Dragon Age II. That’s a good thing though. I regard the Dragon Age series as one of my favorite series of all time and even though the sequel was a bit disappointment in gameplay, its intricate and compelling narrative will always hold a special place in my heart. 

So when all the holy-fucking-I-didn’t-see-those-acts-of-betrayal-coming surface in Game of Thrones, I couldn’t help but think of the countless acts of betrayal in DA2: Bartrand’s desertion, Isabella’s backstabbing, Anders’ maleficent act of destruction… Sweet Jesus… The way DA2 kept me guessing as to what will happen, Game of Thrones did as well… perhaps, even better. I don’t want to spoil any of the major plots, but my god was it fantastic. 

The characters are also a part of my huge adoration for the book. The Stark family reminded me so much of the Hawke family that when a particular someone died in the end of the novel, I literally screamed profanities out loud. It brought me back to Hawke’s mother being murdered and transmogrified into a soulless corpse, which has got to be the most spine tingling part of the story. It was that powerful… and Game of Thrones managed to pick that one up as well.

I even managed to relate the Khol to the Qunari… Imagine that.

Lord Ned Stark and his journey through King’s Landing amidst all the trouble in his family and his own brought me back to when I was playing Hawke and his tribulations in DA2. You start of a poor peasant, but quickly maneuver yourself to be an upstanding and influential citizen by the second half of the game. By this time, all of your actions and deeds regarding the turmoil in the city of Kirkwall play similarly to Ned’s conquest amidst human snakes in finding out the truth on why Lord Arryn was murdered. Not being sure which side to take has made Ned’s tale in Game of Thrones is so engrossing and heartwrenching as was Hawke’s tale in either siding with the mages or the templars (both of which have several different outcomes). 

But the biggest shit worthy moment was the mention of ‘blood magic’ in the book. That’s where I really stopped, smiled, and actually whispered, “Fuck… Dragon Age!”

Any of you read it?

I feel like I'm stuck in a cave

Been internet deprived for the last four days because it got disconnected at home. Never felt so clueless about what's happening in the world.

Like, HARD TIMES OF RJ BERGER GETTING AXED!

Ugh.

Slightly anxious

I've scored me a job interview in a couple of hours and I'm getting really, really nervous.

Honestly, why is finding a job so difficult with this profession I chose? I should have done something easier... like get into porn.

Hey, I can kill two birds in one stone. I can get easy cash and work out all my sexual frustrations. Win-win situation, I say.

Besides, when I visited the gay district in London a couple of weeks back, everyone was staring at me like I was some piece of meat (at that time though, it was sort of creepy).

Guess I found my demographic then.

Slightly turned on

Wondering

So you guys already probably know that I’ve been sexually frustrated these couple of days and I dealt with that problem like any normal, horny gay guy would: watch porn. 

I streamed some videos and saw this Italian student getting fucked by his math teacher. From all the other porn videos I watched, it was pretty tame (and not to mention, very short), but hey, it served its purpose in getting me off. Also, I was quite intrigued because the Italian student had a piercing on his dick. 

Now I’m wondering, how does he have sex with that piece of jewelry hanging from the tip of his cock? Does he take it out when he plows someone’s ass? Or does he keep it in? I wonder how it would feel to have a pierced dick up your ass. Would it hurt even more? Or would it bring new levels of pleasure? 

I mean, I hooked up with a guy who had a piercing on his tongue and let me say, when he blew me, it felt really, really good for his stud to be rubbing against my dick. Now I’m wondering if the same goes for a pierced dick…. 

Aw shit, I’m boned up right now. All this sex talk man! All this sex talk...

Issues

One of my biggest problems about myself is how I always seem to act hastily based on my feelings.

A few days ago, I almost let go of a good friendship because I let my anger get the best of me. Instead of talking to him directly, I acted like a child and let my feelings influence my decisions. It certainly wasn't my proudest moment. I mean, I was actually willing to throw away a friendship just like that. I can't believe I was that shallow.

I just realized that all my life, I let my emotions dictate my way of living. My constant state of fear and depression has gotten me in a bind more than I can count. Fear has very much hindered my way to happiness. Fear of failure, disappointment, rejection has led me to living in a safety bubble that I can't try to burst. The things I want to really do in my life was just a dream I used to have.

A friend of mine talked to me about it and helped me realize what my problem was. That incident a couple of days ago was pretty much the eye-opener I needed. Now, I need to battle this. I need to be strong enough to actually take chances. I need to start living life the way I want it to be.

I just broke up my friendship with Tyler....

And it hurts so much!

I am literally crying as we speak! :(

It's Official

Tyler does not care... at all.

Imagine that

I went to a yogurt place this morning and wouldn't you know it, they had a Wii! You can play for free as long as you buy yogurt. Surprising. Huh.

Oh, see that fat kid on the left? That's my cousin. Don't mind him. LOL.

Story of Us

For some reason, Taylor Swift’s song is extremely relevant in my life right now… no, make it an uncanny representation of my life right now.

Especially these lyrics:

I’ll tell you I miss you, but I don’t know how…

… And I’m dying to know
Is it killing you
like it’s killing me ...

Captain America

Today I watched Captain America by accident. I was supposed to watch it with another friend of mine sometime within the week, but my parents kinda decided to watch it while we were touring around the local mall. So I had to say yes.

Out of all the superhero movies I have watched, I must say that Captain America was the best I have seen so far. Where everyone else had to rely on their super powers and machinery, Cap only has his guts and raw instinct to survive. Sure he had superhuman strength and speed, but he had no laser beams, telepathy, fancy lightning bolts, nor he had the ability to fly.

In fact, the way he moved throughout the story pretty much reminded me of Nathan Drake from Uncharted. He was stalking the bad guys, Uncharted. Flinging them over railings unnoticed, Uncharted. Jumping over huge gaps and cliffs, again Uncharted. And that train infiltration under the snow? How more Uncharted get you get? LOL. But I enjoyed the similarities and it was pretty amusing to see.

But I guess what I like the most about Captain America was the message. I know how some superhero movies force you some sort of moral anecdote. Remember Spiderman’s “With great power, comes great responsibility?” Well this movie isn’t pretty much different. And all of that comes from the brilliance from Stanley Tucci’s character, Dr. Erskine.

My particular favorite is when he talks to Steve the night before his supposed transformation. Steve asks him why he was chosen among all the other guys out there who are far more physically fit than him. Dr Erskine replies, “Because a weak man knows the value of strength, the value of power.” That little line spoke volumes to me. We now live in a sad world where those who are strong, have wealth and influence abuse their power for their own gain. Why, in the news nowadays, we’re having a case of money fraud from our ex-president’s husband. It’s just a sad realization. I guess it takes a man who has gone through hardship and has to work harder than the rest of the world to fully appreciate the value of life. And Captain America epitomizes that.

Speaking of Captain America himself, Steve Rogers is such a fascinating individual to study. He’s such an idealist who never falters despite being a small, skinny, defenseless twink at the start. Even though he’s not clear cut for the army, he enlists himself over and over again with this one line of thought: “I don’t want to kill anybody. I don’t like bullies; I don’t care where they’re from.” The thought of protecting the weak and protecting his country far outweighs his fear of death. And the fact that he stands up for himself even though he’s not physically strong is a testament on how truly courageous he is. And that scene wherein he grabs the grenade? Priceless. Sigh. How can you not like the guy?

I must say I got teary eyed at the end of the movie. Don’t want to spoil it, but I find it sad how he left some unfinished business only to find out in the end that opportunity was long gone forever.

So if you haven’t watched it, go do so. Believe me, if I can talk that much about this movie without mentioning over and over again how extremely hot Chris Evans was in the film, then it’s a bloody good movie.

Here it comes

So I finally told him that I was pissed at him. Let's see if the douchebag (okay, I momentarily cringed when I said that) replies.

Infuriated Rant

Tyler, I am so pissed off at you. It’s getting to the point wherein I’m getting fed up being pissed at you. Ugh. You have no idea how much I just want to ignore you for the rest of my life. But me being me, I just can’t bring myself to do that.

You sent me those drunk messages leaving me confused and vulnerable. I responded light heartedly waiting for you to decide on what may come out of this. The fact that you didn’t reply hurt. Do you realize how bothered I was with those sexually charged messages you sent me? Do you enjoy tormenting me? Do you enjoy leading me on? Because I sure as hell don’t.

You just can’t leave me hanging on. In case you didn’t realize, it was you who contacted me. It was you who bothered me first. Even if the things you sent me weren’t your true feelings (meaning you don’t really want to have sex with me), the least you can do is send some sort of apology. I’m not asking for a bloody essay. A simple “I’m sorry.” would suffice. But even then, you can’t be bothered to do so.

I’m starting to wonder whether our friendship means anything to you at all. It seems like I’m the only person here making an effort to keep this whatever relationship we have afloat. Do you care at all?

---

I plan to send him this. Do you think it’s a good idea? :(

Oh new followers...

Thanks for following this shitload of a blog of mine! lol

Beyond Sexually Frustrated

So I came back from a weekend at the beach ending up really, really, really sexually frustrated. Ever since I got that e-mail from my friend, I’ve been quite horny. I’ve been having sexual thoughts about him and what things we can do when we’re alone. I can’t help it. He’s making me like him again. I thought I got over that boat already, but apparently he has this weird hold over me. Hnng. I thought by going to the beach, I can get those drunk sexually charged messages out of my mind, but no such luck. Tyler (that’s his name btw), why do you make me feel like this?

Ugh. I guess it doesn’t help that I haven’t had sex in quite awhile. Besides, I’m not the type of person who goes for one night stands. That just isn’t me.

Anyways when I was driving home, I happened to see a photo booth along the way and my horned up mind got me remembering these photos I saw in a magazine. I’ll just leave them here for you to ogle: 

This makes me cry every single time.

Strange

I got a really weird message last night… more like a bunch of weird messages really. It was pretty bizarre and totally unexpected. See, my gay friend messages me up last night telling me how cute and sexy I was… and that I make him horny sometimes. Umm… yeah… Also he mentioned that on occasions, he has dreams of me and him having sex and that it turned him on. That I was incredibly fit (which in the UK means good looking) and that he was pathetic from telling me all of these things because he doesn’t find himself attractive.

…. He said all of these in 4 separate messages in my other blog.

Now, here’s my dilemma: I don’t know how to respond to him. I mean, it’s no secret that I like him. It’s pretty much common knowledge already that I’d hook up with him given the chance. I’m sure he knows that as well. So if he liked me back sexually, why not go for it?

Thing is when he sent those messages to me, he was drunk. No, beyond drunk! I could tell. When he sent me the messages, they were spelled incorrectly and had some of the letters in a word all jumbled up. Plus, he mentioned that he was plastered in his messages. Oh god. I remember him saying he was watching porn while typing those while his friends were downstairs partying.

I’m confused. I don’t know if he actually has genuine feelings for me or whether or not all of those things he said was from the alcohol. I don’t know if I should go for it or not. I mean, I’m scared of coming on to him only for him to reject me because he never did like me that way. Alcohol makes you do crazy stuff. I should know, I’ve had a first hand experience in Paris, but that’s another story. So yeah, I don’t know if he actually likes me or not (without the alcohol influence).

Sigh. Some people just need to be monitored when they’re drunk so they don’t go out sending cryptic, potentially-sexually-frustrating messages to people.

Katy Perry had...

Alexander Rodriguez

Matt Dallas

Josh Kloss

Richie Nuzzolese

And she picks this guy:

I don’t get it...

Fitting In

It's bad enough that I find it hard to fit in society because of my sexuality. I've got to work thrice as harder as the normal straight guy because of the simple fact that I like boys. My parents have vocally addressed their concerns about me being gay and now, I gotta work harder to please them. Plus, I've got to work harder to fit in with the crowd. A few of my girl friends' boyfriends are wary to be around me because they think that I might jump on them... Uh, really? Just how ignorant can you be? Just because I like boys doesn't mean I'm going to jump onto any hot guy I see. That's just insulting.

And ironic as it may be, I'm having a difficult time fitting in the gay society as well. Well, more specifically among my gay friends.

See, a lot of them fit the stereotypes of what a gay man is: effeminate, wears make-up, unusually high pitched voices, and thoroughly into fashion. There are a lot of times wherein I cannot relate to any single thing they're saying because all they talk about is clothes, designers, photographers, etc. Why? Well because those things don't really interest me at all.

Instead of fawning over the latest clothing line of a famous designer, I'd rather go ahead and boot me up some video games and play until the wee hours of the morning. I may not know the latest designer bags or latest clothing down the runway, but if you need to know the latest video games, television shows, comic books, indie music then I'm your guy. I'm a geek. Well, a gay geek to be exact.

It's not that I don't like being around my friends, but it does get frustrating sometimes wherein you can't join in the conversation because you just can't relate. I love them, but I a lot of the times, I get really shy and tongue tied around them.

Hmm... Maybe I need to get out more. Maybe I need to put myself out there and find people with the same interests as me.

Changed my lay-out. Looking really fresh and clean.

I love it.

Teen Wolf has the hottest male cast

I mean, just look at them.

But Jackson beats them all.

Just saying...

So much for alarm clocks...

Today I woke up at 11 am when I had four alarm clocks set-up for 8am.

I didn't hear any of those rings. I must have been really dead to the world.

Can I just say how attractive Dodger (played by Danny Mac) in Hollyoaks is??

I'd do him in a heartbeat.

I need to remember that Blogspot isn't Tumblr.

Closure

Okay, so he finally responded to my e-mail and we talked about our situation. I guess it's good to have this sense of closure.

I've never really told you guys about the exact why I broke up with this guy. Let's just say my parents and I had a very heated discussion over the way I've been spending my money on... Or rather whom I'm spending it on. That wasn't a very pleasant conversation. To be truly honest, that confrontation was probably the lowest point I have had in my entire life. 

When he heard this part, he adamantly apologized for being selfish with regards to the phone calls (my last bill was over a hundred dollars, crazy huh?) and the way he wants to meet and talk ALL the time. Not that I'm against that, but there are certain limits you know. 

And then it came to the point wherein he mentioned the fact that I broke up with him online. Well, there was a part of me that was afraid of confronting him directly, but the bigger reason why I did it that way was because I can't talk to him without remembering the awful things my parents said to me during our 'little' conversation. 

In the end, I said I can't communicate with him as much as I did before we started dating. Thinking about him brings the things my parents said back to the surface. I need time to heal. 

So, that means, I'm single... again. 

People can be so cruel.

It’s sickening to see people badmouth Amy Winehouse. I mean, really, the poor lady is already dead, how can you trash her some more?! It’s not like she killed someone okay? Why do you have to demean her image more? 

Yes, I know she may not have been the most model citizen out there and all, but still let’s not forget that she’s still a human being. A human being who had people care for her, love her, worry about her, pray for her. Can you imagine how torn up and devastated they are? And then to read off the internet that she probably deserved to die at the age of 27? That is just heartless. 

My London friend said that because someone’s a drug addict doesn’t mean that they don’t have people who love them or care for them. How would you feel if you attend a funeral of someone you love very much and then someone there starts saying horrible things about that person? Furious I suppose. 

Besides, I think everyone is forgetting the fact that she made pretty, bloody, great music. She had so much left to offer and it’s such a shame that she won’t be able to continue sharing her talent with us anymore. 

I guess I’ll take this time to say RIP, Amy Winehouse. I hope you continue to make great music in the afterlife. 

Am I a slut?

Hmmm... I've been asking myself that question a lot lately and I can't really say for sure. I realize that I've been jumping from one guy to the next in just a short span of time. The past three "relationships" I've been in barely lasted a couple of weeks before I moved on. I seem to get bored with them easily. 

Does that make me a slut? I mean, I'm going on dates like crazy here. You'd probably think that I am, but it's not like there's a lot of sex involved in those hook-ups. The most sex I got from those months of dating was a blowjob. It's not like that I wanted to get frisky with them everytime. Still, I can't help but feel awful to those guys who got sort of emotionally attached to me and I left them like an old toy.

My friend said that I'm just a very picky person. That I have this preconceived notion of what my ideal boyfriend is. And that anyone I date who doesn't fit the standards, I leave them some time after. I admit, that it was kinda harsh but I wouldn't blame him for thinking about me that way because he knows me too well. He even said that even though I didn't fuck with  those guys physically, you fucked them mentally by not getting emotionally invested the entire time.

So... am I player now?

Sigh. Why can't I seem to answer any of these questions?

Le Sigh

Relevant. Hit Me Like a Bull's eye.

This photo is so adorable. 

Breaking Up

So one of the few reasons why I decided to get a blogspot was so I could talk about my love life, or whatever remnants of a love life could be. Reason why I couldn’t do it on Tumblr was because the guy I most recently dated was one of my followers so it’d be awkward for me to post something about him when he can read it and send me backlash. Notice the word ‘dated’? Means we recently stopped seeing each other. More specifically, I stopped seeing him.

In normal circumstances, I’d probably wouldn’t be bothered with this since we only went to two dates and we haven’t done anything sexual at all Heck, we haven’t even kissed at all. But for some reason, I’m feeling really crummy and sort of a jerk. Why?

Well… I kinda dumped him through an e-mail. It’s a cowardly thing to do, I know. If I were in his shoes, I’d probably be furious with me as well. I guess I’m feeling guilty about the way I sort of broke the news with him. I mean, I feel like Joe Jonas calling up Taylor Swift for crying out loud! My fear of confrontation totally jacked me up there… Oh well, you learn from your mistakes right?

With regards to the message itself, he hasn’t replied to it at all. I guess he’s bitter. I’m feeling the hurt since his friends aren’t talking to him either… which is weird, because I knew them before I even met him, so they’re technically my friends too… Now I’m not sure if he’s mad because I dumped him or because I did it through e-mail. Maybe both? Considering, he’s the one who’s more emotionally invested throughout our 1 month of dating. He can’t say I didn’t try though. I mean, I called him up in the middle of the night (leading to astronomical phone bills) and bought him lots of gifts so he doesn’t have the right to say that I never did care for him. 

Now, everything is so awkward between us. I follow him in both Twitter and Tumblr and whenever I see his posts, I kinda feel ashamed/awkward/annoyed… Is it possible to feel all those three emotions from a sentence that is 140 characters or less? … Never mind, don’t answer that. My dilemma now is whether or not I should unfollow him? Would that possibly terminate any semblance of a friendship I hope we could gather from this wreckage? Aahh… Decisions, decisions.

Currently listening to: The Weight of The World- Sanders Bohlke (how very, very, VERY fitting at this moment)

New blog.

This is my nth blog. Seriously I have stopped counting how many times I made a new blog and ending up letting it get high and dry in a couple of weeks. This... will be different.

I already have a pretty active blog over at Tumblr (am I allowed to talk about that here?), but circumstances made me create a separate blog over here. A word of advice: don't date anyone who is following your blog... or better yet, don't mention your blog to whoever it is you're dating. So yeah, here I am. Most of the posts in this blog will be just random thoughts or brainfarts as I'd like to call them. Although, I may pour my innermost feelings here and there.