Miffed

I'm pissed off right now. Or should I say, ashamed for subjugating myself to stupidity and to my hormones.

Recently, I started "dating" a guy. Notice how I used quotation marks there? It's because, well, what we did wasn't dating in normal circumstances. We started out flirting and talking, but we never really went out on an official "date". Now a date in my book would be a dinner or movie or something like that, but we didn't really do any of that. I guess you could say that we met-up during available times to talk and hang out.

Anyways, so after hanging out everyday for a week, things started getting really steamy between us. Now, it's been awhile since I had any sex, so I get pretty turned on easily nowadays. And him being a stud that he is and being oh so willing in engaging in promiscuous talk, we kind of fooled around.

The first few times were fairly tame, engaging in heavy flirtatious both in person and through texts and online conversations. Then a couple of days later, the online and text messages turned really X-rated and before we knew it, we ended up doing sexual acts together.

The first couple of times, we simply jerked each other off. Nothing really that exciting. And then, I finally gave in and gave him a blowjob. When he came in my mouth, I asked for the favor to be returned, he politely refused. Now, being the nice person that I was, I let it go and had him jerk me off instead.

After that incident, I started noticing that every time we got together, we ended up talking about sex and getting off every single time. When I wanted to talk about something else or when I tried engaging him into normal conversations, he suddenly became so standoffish and uninterested. I found him dazing off in person or see him reply short phrases through texts. I must say it was starting to piss me off.

Then, it all came down to a showdown where he asked me if we could have sex. I said I would if he gave me a blowjob first. He politely refused saying that he was uncomfortable with that. I then proposed to him that I wanted to rim him. He again said that he was uncomfortable with that too. I was starting to get prissy about this whole situation because he kept insisting that we still have sex. But I refused and told him pointblank, "I feel used."

To say that he was surprised was an understatement. In fact, I think he was shocked and severely taken aback from my accusation. He asked me why I felt that way. I basically poured out my feelings to him. Here are the reasons why I said I felt like he was just using me:

1. He only messages me lately when he wants to get off (would you believe I was sexting him in work because he was horny?!)
2. He never wants to participate and reciprocate to some of the things I do to him
3. How we once agreed that we wouldn't stop taking "care" of each other until both of us had cum (he stopped fondling me once he came and left me to dry)
4. How this wasn't his first time doing this... you know, flirting with guys and getting each other off (which sent the signals in my head to overdrive since he mentioned once that he never, ever engages in one night stands)

After I was done explaining, he was incredibly apologetic and was pretty silent and distant the entire night. In the end, I felt a little guilty for perhaps overreacting too much and said that I would still like to be friends after this. He also agreed to it, but he said that we shouldn't flirt anymore. I agreed in the end. 

This incident ended two days ago and he has never contacted me since. Even when a huge typhoon came down swinging our place, he never once bothered to ask me if I was okay or even checked on me once. I mean, come on, even my friend from South Africa bothered to check up on me. But you didn't! Considering we both have Blackberries and that texting me through BBM would be technically free! 

Some friendship this turned out to be. I guess I was right to say that to your face. User bitch.

MAY 12- On to Hong Kong

(This is an excerpt from my Euro journal)

I arrived in NAIA 1. A friend of mine wrote an article about out international airport and I must say, she’s absolutely right. She mentioned that you could actually shoot a horror movie in our godforsaken airport. We have a yearly release of this horror movie series called Shake, Rattle, and Roll and well… the airport could be a possible location for the next film. It’s that bad. 

The entire airport was dimly lit and highly disorganized. The line queues were zigzagging all over the place. Heck, there weren’t even enough chairs to seat the foreigners. It’s very embarrassing really. I wonder if my French friend, Reece arrived and left in this airport. That’s highly likely since the other airports are only restricted to about two airlines. Shit. That is highly demoralizing to think that possible first time visitors to our wonderful country would be greeted by this shit hole. The government needs to upgrade no, construct a new one fast… 

Anyways, going off topic here… where was I?

Oh yeah… So Cachi was there when I arrived. Val, on the other hand, was late as usual. I swear, that lady needs to have a clock in front of her at all times. Shit… I’m frickin’ nervous. This is my first time to travel abroad without my parents and I’m pretty stoked and petrified at the same time. I mean, the place we’ll be traveling to is foreign to all three of us… We can’t really rely on anyone else but ourselves… I need to keep my cool.

Immigration went smoothly. We were all seated together during the flight to Hong Kong.  There were a group of three Israeli-looking young men that we rode with going to HK. Geez… I am only mentioning this because a) they were in front of me during the X-Ray scanner in the airport and b) one of them was really, really hot… Shit. I  haven’t even left the Philippines yet and I’m already thinking about boys. Good Lord… I need to control myself…

Arriving in HK was smooth. My friend Cachi was watching HIMYM the entire flight. I, on the other hand, dabbled into the music scene. So while I was browsing through the airline’s categories of songs, I was surprised they had an ‘indie’ section… Now, you know me… I’m an indie kid at heart, so you wouldn’t imagine how ecstatic I was that someone else was interested in the same music I like… FYI, I was giddy in my seat the entire time. 

I checked the list of CDs under that category and I was pretty happy. I mean, they had Florence + the Machine, Biffy Clyro, Arcade Fire, The XX, Mumford and Sons, and Ellie Goulding… I played Florence and Ellie a little too much… I was Dog Days-ing in my seat. Hahaha. 

When we landed in HK, we had to quickly find out transfer flight to Amsterdam. While making our way to the designated departure gate, I was stopped in one of the x-ray scanners in the security checkpoints. I was asked to go through it another time. My friend caught the person manning the x-ray station to be staring at me. She joked that she thinks that person must have a crush on me or something. I scoffed because… well… the person manning the station was a guy. LOL. 

Anyways, after that, we killed some time in a bookstore before going to the departure gate. Now, the last time I went to HK, I bought a really NSFW magazine and I was kinda hoping I could do the same… Especially now, since my parents aren’t here with me at all. I saw a magazine with some Bel-Ami models on it. I considered buying it but didn’t because it was too early in the trip to start thinking about sex. Imagine that. I turned that down.

My friends and I sat down in one of the many chairs in the boarding gate. As soon as we did, my mouth started watering. Why? Well, because there was this really hot looking Dutch guy sitting a few seats from me. He was in a tank top too! Damn. If this is what Amsterdam is offering me, then I’m going to like it there.

Boys, boys, and boys…. Jesus, I’m a pervert. Lol.

Slightly anxious

I've scored me a job interview in a couple of hours and I'm getting really, really nervous.

Honestly, why is finding a job so difficult with this profession I chose? I should have done something easier... like get into porn.

Hey, I can kill two birds in one stone. I can get easy cash and work out all my sexual frustrations. Win-win situation, I say.

Besides, when I visited the gay district in London a couple of weeks back, everyone was staring at me like I was some piece of meat (at that time though, it was sort of creepy).

Guess I found my demographic then.

Slightly turned on

Wondering

So you guys already probably know that I’ve been sexually frustrated these couple of days and I dealt with that problem like any normal, horny gay guy would: watch porn. 

I streamed some videos and saw this Italian student getting fucked by his math teacher. From all the other porn videos I watched, it was pretty tame (and not to mention, very short), but hey, it served its purpose in getting me off. Also, I was quite intrigued because the Italian student had a piercing on his dick. 

Now I’m wondering, how does he have sex with that piece of jewelry hanging from the tip of his cock? Does he take it out when he plows someone’s ass? Or does he keep it in? I wonder how it would feel to have a pierced dick up your ass. Would it hurt even more? Or would it bring new levels of pleasure? 

I mean, I hooked up with a guy who had a piercing on his tongue and let me say, when he blew me, it felt really, really good for his stud to be rubbing against my dick. Now I’m wondering if the same goes for a pierced dick…. 

Aw shit, I’m boned up right now. All this sex talk man! All this sex talk...

Beyond Sexually Frustrated

So I came back from a weekend at the beach ending up really, really, really sexually frustrated. Ever since I got that e-mail from my friend, I’ve been quite horny. I’ve been having sexual thoughts about him and what things we can do when we’re alone. I can’t help it. He’s making me like him again. I thought I got over that boat already, but apparently he has this weird hold over me. Hnng. I thought by going to the beach, I can get those drunk sexually charged messages out of my mind, but no such luck. Tyler (that’s his name btw), why do you make me feel like this?

Ugh. I guess it doesn’t help that I haven’t had sex in quite awhile. Besides, I’m not the type of person who goes for one night stands. That just isn’t me.

Anyways when I was driving home, I happened to see a photo booth along the way and my horned up mind got me remembering these photos I saw in a magazine. I’ll just leave them here for you to ogle: 

Fitting In

It's bad enough that I find it hard to fit in society because of my sexuality. I've got to work thrice as harder as the normal straight guy because of the simple fact that I like boys. My parents have vocally addressed their concerns about me being gay and now, I gotta work harder to please them. Plus, I've got to work harder to fit in with the crowd. A few of my girl friends' boyfriends are wary to be around me because they think that I might jump on them... Uh, really? Just how ignorant can you be? Just because I like boys doesn't mean I'm going to jump onto any hot guy I see. That's just insulting.

And ironic as it may be, I'm having a difficult time fitting in the gay society as well. Well, more specifically among my gay friends.

See, a lot of them fit the stereotypes of what a gay man is: effeminate, wears make-up, unusually high pitched voices, and thoroughly into fashion. There are a lot of times wherein I cannot relate to any single thing they're saying because all they talk about is clothes, designers, photographers, etc. Why? Well because those things don't really interest me at all.

Instead of fawning over the latest clothing line of a famous designer, I'd rather go ahead and boot me up some video games and play until the wee hours of the morning. I may not know the latest designer bags or latest clothing down the runway, but if you need to know the latest video games, television shows, comic books, indie music then I'm your guy. I'm a geek. Well, a gay geek to be exact.

It's not that I don't like being around my friends, but it does get frustrating sometimes wherein you can't join in the conversation because you just can't relate. I love them, but I a lot of the times, I get really shy and tongue tied around them.

Hmm... Maybe I need to get out more. Maybe I need to put myself out there and find people with the same interests as me.

Le Sigh